Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Embrace Alcoholism
Growing up carries with it all kinds of challenges, chief of which is deciding on your drinking habits. It is easy to make a mistake in this regard, as the few friends that I have left can attest.
The following is a list of observations that could only be learned through the haze of an early afternoon buzz carried through until pass-out drunk on the couch.
- Your mother cannot tell the difference between light, moderate and heavy drinking. A case of beer and a bottle of whiskey over 4 days is not heavy. Also, do not drink in front of your mother, even if it is Christmas.
- You can ride home on a motorbike, provided you are too drunk to realise it, but not drunk enough to start staggering until you get home and the realisation hits.
- A shot of whiskey with your morning coffee generally goes unnoticed, as do a beer with lunch, but stop at only the one. Slurring your words is harder to hide.
- Passing out in someone else's bed is the best pick up line, you will get laid. As long as you can get into the bed you are probably set.
- Beer goggles is a real thing, as is desperation.
- Check pants are not as popular as you may think, especially when Tom Jones-package-on-display tight.
- Very few women like dick pics, if they do they have pictures of not only yours.
- You cannot ramp the median strip, no matter what car you drive.
- Vomit smells worse the next morning, especially if it is on the floor next to your bed.
- You can carry a whiskey glass into your local supermarket, their security is not trained to deal with it.
- Empty beer bottles make a marvellous accompaniment in your car, especially when going around corners. Time it right and you can play a symphony.
- You will tend to take a lot more risks, and also may start stealing things. They will all be mostly worthless, like cushions and mustard.
- Stripper madams are petty normal people. If you prostrate yourself in front of one, they get as embarrassed as everyone else. Do not go on your knees when meeting one.
- Not all Asian girls are women, no matter how well a job the surgeon did, you will notice if you look close enough. Try to look before you pay them.
All these lessons and more can be yours for the price of a few beers or cheap plonk wine, try to save the good whiskey for when you have friends over. If they are still speaking to you.
The following is a list of observations that could only be learned through the haze of an early afternoon buzz carried through until pass-out drunk on the couch.
- Your mother cannot tell the difference between light, moderate and heavy drinking. A case of beer and a bottle of whiskey over 4 days is not heavy. Also, do not drink in front of your mother, even if it is Christmas.
- You can ride home on a motorbike, provided you are too drunk to realise it, but not drunk enough to start staggering until you get home and the realisation hits.
- A shot of whiskey with your morning coffee generally goes unnoticed, as do a beer with lunch, but stop at only the one. Slurring your words is harder to hide.
- Passing out in someone else's bed is the best pick up line, you will get laid. As long as you can get into the bed you are probably set.
- Beer goggles is a real thing, as is desperation.
- Check pants are not as popular as you may think, especially when Tom Jones-package-on-display tight.
- Very few women like dick pics, if they do they have pictures of not only yours.
- You cannot ramp the median strip, no matter what car you drive.
- Vomit smells worse the next morning, especially if it is on the floor next to your bed.
- You can carry a whiskey glass into your local supermarket, their security is not trained to deal with it.
- Empty beer bottles make a marvellous accompaniment in your car, especially when going around corners. Time it right and you can play a symphony.
- You will tend to take a lot more risks, and also may start stealing things. They will all be mostly worthless, like cushions and mustard.
- Stripper madams are petty normal people. If you prostrate yourself in front of one, they get as embarrassed as everyone else. Do not go on your knees when meeting one.
- Not all Asian girls are women, no matter how well a job the surgeon did, you will notice if you look close enough. Try to look before you pay them.
All these lessons and more can be yours for the price of a few beers or cheap plonk wine, try to save the good whiskey for when you have friends over. If they are still speaking to you.
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