Adventures of an Atheist Minister

Through a strange confluence of circumstances, involving a pastor that didn't arrive and illicit alcohol at a dry wedding, I am now an ordained minister.

As it turns out, you can totally do it online, no questions asked. It is easier than joining the Boy Scouts or Fight Club. The only requirement is that you are over 13 years of age.
According to the email I got after filling in the form, I can now perform Weddings, Christenings, Last Rites and Absolution of Sins.

I have also joined a list of illustrious people that includes all the members of the Beatles,  Mel Blanc, Tony Danza, Richard Branson, Johnny Carson, Sammy Davis Jnr, Doris Day, Hugh Hefner, some members of The Village People, Alanis Morrisette, Conan O'Brien, Kevin Smith, Barbra Streisand, Hunter S. Thompson, Russel Brand, Sir Ian McKellen and Bryan Cranston.

The creed is also pretty easy, freedom of religion and 'Do only that which is right'. As a person lacking in any beliefs, that is something I can agree with.

Of course I did splurge on the Ordination Package and got myself a certificate and press pass as well as wallet credentials and parking permit, recently I also received a cap and lapel pin. All of which is only for show.

The day I received my certificate in the post I was at a party which moved to a club, I was also convinced by two pretty little things to dress up in full regalia before going there. 

Considering that this was a goth/alternative club with people in leather and gas masks, I was still pretty surprised that some people noticed the collar and got upset.  

The ones that actually spoke to me were cool with the idea of a Reverend without belief, that could absolve their sins by sprinkling whiskey. The other ones just glared at me and I could tell that they were not very keen on the desecration of cloth and symbolism.

All of which got me thinking about the relation some people have with the symbol vs the belief.
By definition, a symbol is only the thing that stands for something else, a type of shorthand for a greater and bigger concept that would be way too long to put on a bumper sticker.

A symbol is nothing in itself, it does not carry any weight or power, it only serves to indicate or show something else and can be used by anybody to indicate anything.

I had a very one sided conversation regarding the Pentagram, which has alternately been used by the early Christians, Sir Gawain of Arthurian fame, the Bahá'í, Wǔ Xíng Chinese Tradition, Latter Day Saints and Modern Wiccans.

It does not mean the same thing to all of them, and can be co-opted by any new belief and any meaning can be ascribed to it by anybody. To me it does not mean anything, yet the person I was talking to wanted to get into a discussion about whether it is good or bad if pointing up or down. All of which are artificial constructs.

Another good example is the Swastika, it was in use in India by the Indu Valley Civilisation way before the Nazi's were a thought, yet they co-opted it and ruined it for everyone. Even so, it is still being used in Asia, without the Nazi connotation.

That is the nature of symbols, they have no inherent meaning in themselves.

Me having the title Reverend and wearing a collar at a club, should not affect anyone's belief, nor should they be bothered by it. Yet in their minds the symbol and the thing it represents has become one and the same.

Sprinkling whiskey and repeating the 'this house is clean' line from Poltergeist to absolve sins may be pushing the envelope, but if I am mocking the idea of religion as opposed to your specific religion, should you not be able to have a conversation and reasoned debate about it?

I do realise that not all people are as enlightened and intelligent as others, but they can at least try to defend their viewpoint instead of dirty looks.

The next step is to be registered by the government so that I can also legally perform marriages, there seems to be a need for a non-denominational, non-religious service.  

So do not be too surprised if an Irreverent Reverend arrives at your local pub, looking to get drunk, I am not too hypocritical about that either.

Whiskey Is Your Friend

Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Embrace Alcoholism

Growing up carries with it all kinds of challenges, chief of which is deciding on your drinking habits. It is easy to make a mistake in this regard, as the few friends that I have left can attest.

The following is a list of observations that could only be learned through the haze of an early afternoon buzz carried through until pass-out drunk on the couch.

- Your mother cannot tell the difference between light, moderate and heavy drinking. A case of beer and a bottle of whiskey over 4 days is not heavy. Also, do not drink in front of your mother, even if it is Christmas.

- You can ride home on a motorbike, provided you are too drunk to realise it, but not drunk enough to start staggering until you get home and the realisation hits.

- A shot of whiskey with your morning coffee generally goes unnoticed, as do a beer with lunch, but stop at only the one. Slurring your words is harder to hide.

- Passing out in someone else's bed is the best pick up line, you will get laid. As long as you can get into the bed you are probably set.

- Beer goggles is a real thing, as is desperation.

- Check pants are not as popular as you may think, especially when Tom Jones-package-on-display tight.

- Very few women like dick pics, if they do they have pictures of not only yours.

- You cannot ramp the median strip, no matter what car you drive.

- Vomit smells worse the next morning, especially if it is on the floor next to your bed.

- You can carry a whiskey glass into your local supermarket, their security is not trained to deal with it.

- Empty beer bottles make a marvellous accompaniment in your car, especially when going around corners. Time it right and you can play a symphony. 

- You will tend to take a lot more risks, and also may start stealing things. They will all be mostly worthless, like cushions and mustard.

- Stripper madams are petty normal people. If you prostrate yourself in front of one, they get as embarrassed as everyone else. Do not go on your knees when meeting one.

- Not all Asian girls are women, no matter how well a job the surgeon did, you will notice if you look close enough. Try to look before you pay them.

All these lessons and more can be yours for the price of a few beers or cheap plonk wine, try to save the good whiskey for when you have friends over. If they are still speaking to you.

Overwhelming Majority a bit Iffy

Fascinating reading, provided you don't mind the numbers, but we made it easy.

"1994: Of the 23 063 910 eligible voters, 85.53 percent (19 726 610) voted while the remaining 14.47 percent (3 337 300) stayed away. The ANC received support from 53.01 percent (12 237 655) of the eligible voting population.

1999: Of the 25 411 573 eligible voters, 62.87 percent (15 977 142) voted while the remaining 37.13 percent (9 434 431) stayed away. The ANC received support from 41.72 percent (10 601 330) of the eligible voting population.

2004: Of the 27 994 712 eligible voters, 55.77 percent (15 612 671) voted while the remaining 44.23 percent (12 382 041) stayed away. The ANC received support from 38.87 percent (10 880 917) of the eligible voting population.

2009: Of the 30 224 145 eligible voters, 59.29 percent (17 919 966) voted while the remaining 40.71 percent (12 304 179) stayed away. The ANC received support from 38.55 percent (11 650 748) of the eligible voting population.

2014: Of the 31 434 035 eligible voters, 59.34 percent (18 654 457) voted while the remaining 40.66 percent (12 779 578) stayed away.

The ANC received support from 36,39 percent (11 436 921) of the eligible voting population."

The will of ‘the people’? Not really - Pretoria News | Opinion